Things My Mother Taught Me - Radio Moris Sega Music Mauritius Ile Maurice

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Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h42
Avatar de Sophia
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Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
Things My Mother Taught Me

> > THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
> >
> >________________________________
> >
> >1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
> >"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
> >cleaning."
> >
> >2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
> >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
> >
> >3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
> >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
> >next week!"
> >
> >4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
> >"Because I said so, that's why."
> >
> >5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
> >'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
> >the store with me."
> >
> >6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
> >"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
> >
> >7. My mother taught me IRONY.
> >"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
> >
> >8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
> >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
> >
> >9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
> >"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
> >
> >10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
> >"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
> >
> >11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
> >"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
> >
> >12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
> >"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
> >
> >13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
> >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
> >
> >14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
> >"Stop acting like your father!"
> >
> >15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
> >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
> >have wonderful parents like you do."
> >
> >16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
> >"Just wait until we get home."
> >
> >17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
> >"You are going to get it when you get home!"
> >
> >18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
> >"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
> >way."
> >
> >19. My mother taught me ESP.
> >"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
> >
> >20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
> >"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
> >
> >21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
> >"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
> >
> >22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
> >"You're just like your father."
> >
> >23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
> >"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> >
> >24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
> >"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
> >
> >25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
> >"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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  #2 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h43
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
ubject: FW: Scout Camp

> >
> > Dear Mom & Dad,
> >
> > Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case
>you
> >saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents
>and
>
> >two sleeping bags got washed away.
> >
> > Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
>the
> >mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's
> >mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
> >
> > I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It
>was
> >neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for
>the
> >lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone
> >without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during
>the
> >fire so he probably didn't hear him.
> >
> > Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will
>blow
> >up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of
>our
>
> >clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
> >
> > We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the
>bus
> >fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when
>we
> >left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to
>expect
> >some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
>We
> >think it's a neat bus.
> >
> > He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
>sometimes
>
> >he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a
>bus.
>
> >He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man
>
> >stopped and talked to us.
> >
> > Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good
> >driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain
>roads
> >where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging
>trucks.
> >
> > This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
>
> >swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I
>can't
>
> >swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let
>us
> >take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of
>the
>
> >trees under the water from the flood.
> >
> > Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He
> >didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend
>a
> >lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any
> >trouble.
> >
> > Guess what?
> >
> > We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
>
> >dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
>works.
> >Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
>food
>
> >poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way
>with
> >food they ate in prison.
> >
> > I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said
>he
> >sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his
>time.
> >
> > By the way, what is a pedal file?
> >
> > I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters
>and
>
> >buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
> >
> > Love, Chris
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  #3 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h45
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
Swearing at Work


It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance pof being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try saying:
I think you could do with more training

Instead of:
You don’t have a f***ing clue, do you
2.
Try saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter
Instead of:
She’s a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead of:
F*** off a*se-wipe
5.
Try saying:
Really?
Instead of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try saying:
Perhaps you should check with….
Instead of:
Tell some one who gives a f***
7.
Try saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project
Instead of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8.
Try saying:
That’s interesting
Instead of:
What the f***?
9.
Try saying:
Im not sure this can be implemented within the given timescales
Instead of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try do schedule it in.
Instead of:
Why the f*** didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead of:
He’s got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead of:
Oi, f***face
13.
Try saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
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  #4 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h46
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
Subject: FW: Why it is important to understand English

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me .. an Asian who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of yen.
Today I get huna eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people too!" and he walked out.
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  #5 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h47
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon )

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with votingmachines.
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  #6 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h47
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
Subject: ACTUAL WRITINGS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: Patient here - recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very
angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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  #7 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h48
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
Subject: Voted best short joke of 2007 so far......

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is £300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way
we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out
the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room
last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I
heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Well,I'll
be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £300,000 mortgage
and no bloody bike!"

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  #8 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h49
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
$5,000.00 HOOKER

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replies. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled our $5,000 and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance. "

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
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  #9 (permalink)  
Vieux 04/05/2007, 08h50
Avatar de Sophia
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: décembre 2004
Localisation: londres
Messages: 2 033
One mainly for the ladies!
> > When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of
> > women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the
>line,
> > it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle
> > doors.
> >
> >
> > Every cubicle is occupied.
> >
> >
> > But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
> > the woman leaving the
>cubicle.
> >
> >
> > You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter,
> > the
>wait
> > has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The
>dispenser
> > for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang
> > your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t
> > so
>you
> > carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your
> > pants and assume "the position".
> >
> >
> > In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to
>shake.
> > You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken
> > time
>to
> > wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the
> > position".
> >
> >
> > To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you
>reach
> > for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s
>empty,
> > the toilet roll dispenser is empty.. You hover looking around in
> > the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your
>thighs
> > start to shake more. Then you
>remember the tiny tissue that you
> > blew your nose on yesterday the one that¹s still in your
>handbag,
> > which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight.
> > So
>you
> > contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to
>fumble
> > around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small
> > crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
> >
> >
> > Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch
>doesn't
> > work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you
>holding
> > your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for thatused
> > tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your
> > balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you
>reach
> > to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled
>tissue
> > you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger
> > into
>an
> > 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
> >
> >
> > If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or
> > just
>give
> > up and... sit down ... directly onto
>the TOILET SEAT.
> >
> >
> > Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
> > late.
> >
> >
> > Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every
> > imaginable
>germ
> > & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
> >
> >
> > By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet
> > is
>so
> > confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water
> > like
>a
> > fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that
> > completely covers your bum and
>runs downs your legs along with all
> > the various life forms and down into your disheveled pants which
> > have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that
>puddle
> > from the floor.
> >
> >
> > The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you
> > grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being
>dragged
> > in too.
> >
> >
> > At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing
> > water
>and
> > the wet toilet seat. You're
>exhausted. You try to wipe your self
> > with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
>slink
> > out inconspicuously to the sinks.
> >
> >
> > You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
> > underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and
>around
> > the basin itself.
> >
> >
> > You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still
>waiting,
> > where of course there are no paper towels so you more onto
> > the
>hand
> > blower, which yes you've guessed it
>that doesn't work either!
> >
> >
> > You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but
> > there's
>an
> > unspoken understanding between you all.
> >
> >
> > A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out
> > that
>you
> > have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was
> > that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your
> > shoe,
>plonk
> > it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might
> > need this".
> >
> >
> > As you
>exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used
> > and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
> > why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"
> >
> >
> > This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public
>loos. It
> > also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so
> > long and it also answers that commonly asked question Why
> > do
>women
> > always go to the loos in pairs?
> >
> >
> > It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and
>pass
> > you tissue under the door!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > P Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.
> > Unless you need it for the loo.
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  #10 (permalink)  
Vieux 05/05/2007, 00h21
Super Fan RM
 
Date d'inscription: août 2004
Localisation: London UK
Messages: 3 908
Envoyer un message via Yahoo à Rocco
Sophia, God knows where U extracted them from, but they are F******g good, girl!
Love em 2 bits

Rocco
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